5. Dinosaurs In the Lobby

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Time travel is so much fun.

Time travel with scientists, not so much. We had recently dubbed the actions of our time jumping hotel as a Sonic Warp, just to give it a name. As in “Here comes the sonic warp!”

“Nuh-uh!” yell the scientists “It's technically a temporal-spacial displacement!”

“But... but...” we say “It warps....and there's kind of a buzzing sound, so sonic!”

“That buzzing sound is bombilation! And it's not a sonic warp AT ALL!”

Some people just want to take all the fun out of EVERYTHING!

As usual, it was an argument between Doctor Forrester and Elvis. We had picked him up around August 1977. He was bored with his career and wanted to try something new. But when we jumped ahead to 2006, we learned some people had tried to cover up his disappearance by claiming he'd died!

Some people. Sheesh.

But despite the incoherent argument between Elvis and Forrester, the sonic warp went ahead just fine. Until we ran to the lobby to see where we were.

“How is this....” said Forrester

“But, how could we...” said Amelia Earhart

“This has got me all shook up...” said Elvis

Outside we saw...

….Dinosaurs!

“This could be bad.” said Forrester

The lobby erupted into screaming, panicking, etc. “Everyone, please calm down!” I shouted “If we just stay inside, maybe we can....”

I didn't get any further before the Tyrannosaurus Rex's face burst through the lobby windows.

“Forget it! RUN!” I screamed.

We ran in every direction, trying to escape the beast. I tracked down Forrester in the panic and yelled “Find a way to get this hotel to jump again!”

“How? The hotel jumps randomly every 22 hours!”

“I don't know! You're the scientist! The burden is all yours!”

The T-Rex finally broke it's way through the walls and into the lobby.

We jumped into a broom closet and slammed the door behind us. Hopefully the T-Rex didn't see.

“Even if I can find a way,” replied Forrester “Which has infinitesimal chances of success, where will we go?”

“I don't really think it matters at this point!” I said “If we jump now we have one dinosaur to deal with. If we stay for another 20-some hours, how many more will we have to deal with?”

“You have a point.” We heard, off in the distance, more walls coming down. “But can we make the jump with a huge hole in the wall?”

“Remember a while ago when that giant anthropomorphic squid took out the ceiling?”

“Oh yeah. That was a weird day.”

“We made the jump just fine. So let's try for it again.”

Forrester threw the door open and charged out. Where he ran to, I don't know. But about five minutes later, the hotel jumped.

And jumped.

And jumped.

The shaking was endless. What the T-Rex hadn't destroyed was being done in by the constant sonic warps.

A whole bunch of sonic warps.

“Everything is collapsing!” shouted someone.

“An elevator fell of the T-Rex's head! He seems to be passed out for now!”

A sigh of relief went around the room.

“The toilet's are all clogged!”

“NOOOOOOO!!”

The jumping finally ceased. Forrester came back downstairs into the rec room.

“What happened up there?” I asked.

“Well, the machine went into uncontrollable overdrive, which would be a good name for a rock band. We hopped around to a lot of different places and times. Also, we, ummm... seemed to have picked up a few hitchhikers by mistake.”

A man in weird garb walked up behind him.

“Is this one of them?” I asked.

“Yes.” He sighed and said “Meet William Shakespeare.”

“Thou sir,” Bill said, pointing to me “Are a sciapodous nelipot!”

“Uh, what did he say?” I asked.

“He says you have big ugly feet,” Forrester replied “And you should put some shoes on.”

Among our other new passengers was a very confused looking Scotsman, and his donkey who was carrying his luggage in a carpet-bag. “I was traveling with my donkey in the Cevennes... and now I'm here! What happened?”

“This charlatan hath taken us from whence we came!” Shakespeare said, as he waddled his finger at me.

“Keep your judgmental phalanges to yourself,” I said “Which by the way would be an excellent name for a rock band.”

“Hmmph!” he replied.

“Easy there, Shakey,” Elvis said to him “This can seem like a heartbreak hotel, but it's pretty cool once you get used to it.”

I'd had enough of Shakespeare. As everyone else tended to the frightened newcomers, I checked outside to see where we'd wound up.

“Oh no, not again.”

I ran back inside. “Rome!”

“What's wrong with that?” Elvis asked

“We've had some rough dealings with them before,” I said “Last time they nearly invaded the hotel!”

“Oh no! Can't we just get ourselves returned to sender?”

“Nope. We're stuck here for the next 21 and a half hours. Unless Forrester wants to give another go at piloting this thing.”

“Not a chance!” he said “I'm not even sure if this thing will do another temporal-spatial displacement after what we just put it through!”

“Great. Trapped in the heart of the Roman Empire, a sleeping T-Rex in the elevator shaft, and to top it all off a grumpy Shakespeare in the rec room!”

I was just going to have the doors barred up and tell everyone to hide in their rooms until we jumped, but I heard a noise that I couldn't ignore. It sounded like a great throng of people cheering. So finally, my curiosity got the better of me. I put on my Roman disguise (you don't travel as much as we do without building up and impressive collection of outfits to blend in with) and marched outside. It was always fun putting on a little charade, but this time it turned out serious. The crowd was gathered at the Roman Coliseum. I managed to work my way inside, only to see...

Sparky.

Down below, surrounded by Praetorian guards, he was bound in chains. Up above sat the Emperor, with the variegated couch beside him.

“Tell me how to pilot this crafty couch,” he proclaimed “Or we will release the lions!”

Suddenly my agenda changed. No more thoughts of sealing up the hotel and waiting this out. I ran back to the hotel.

“Sparky's in danger!”

“What?!” asked Earhart “How is he still alive after that breathtaking battle with the giant anthropomorphic squid, which by the way would be an amazing album cover?”

“I don't know how, but we need to rescue him!” I said.

“I'll get my blue suede shoes on.” said Elvis.

“Good idea, but I think we'll need a better plan.”

“We can set the T-Rex on them!” someone suggested.

“We could, but the last time we released a giant unspeakably horrible monster on a Roman city, it ended in Sparky risking his life to save us.”
“That's true. Plus, I'd hate to get a reputation for releasing giant unspeakably horrible monsters on Roman cities.”

“I hath devised a plan,” stated Shakespeare, rising from his seat “Let me go speaketh with the Emperor.”

We didn't ask what he planned to do, but he had such a determined look that we realized it was useless to try to dissuade him.

“Take this,” said Forrester “And use it to protect him should you run into trouble.”

“A spork?”

“Yeah. Sorry, all the knives are dirty.”

We marched briskly as possible to the Coliseum. The Emperor was still pontificating.

“STOP!” proclaimed Shakespeare “Thy considereth this amusement?! Well, we are not amused. THIS is entertainment!!”

He pulled a book out from his coat, and before I could stop him he began to read.

“Now, fair Hippolyta...”

I noticed strange stares from all around the coliseum. I tried again to stop him, but he continued.
“...draws on apace; four happy days bring in; another moon... but O, methinks, how slow...”

I noticed now the reaction. People began nodding off! I too, noticed things beginning to... darken...

I was jolted from my sleep.

“NAY, FAITH! Let me not play a woman! I have a beard coming on....”

“Okay, Shakey! You can stop!” I said. “They're all asleep now!”

“What? Asleep?! Everyone's a critic.”

We ran down to the ground level and shook Sparky out of his slumber.

“Wha...? Oh, Frankie! Good to see you! Man, I had the worst dream... I was trapped in the Coliseum, then this terrible voice came out of nowhere. It droned on and ON and ON....”

“No time for that. Get up!”

As we stood, we heard a roar. Looking to our left, we saw a lion. Staring at us.

“A lion?” said Shakespeare. He looked through the audience. “Among ladies? A most dreadful thing!”

The lion charged. We ran.

We got out of the Coliseum just in time, and slammed the door behind us, trapping the lion inside. Everyone in the audience was still soundly asleep. “What was that story about?” I asked him “It just seemed like much ado about nothing.”

He was silent for a moment. “Hmmm....”

Sparky snapped his fingers and his couch flew over to him. “Thanks for the rescue guys. I'd love to stay and travel with you, but I've got some pressing appointments.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah. My uncle sent me a note about some conjoined mutant bird twins attacking ancient Greece, so I thought I should go see if I can help out.”

“And do what? Build some giant birdfeeder? Fill it with raspberries laced with sleeping pills?”

“How did you know what my plans were?!”

“How else do you fight conjoined mutant bird twins?”

“Good point. Also, that would also be a good name for a rock band.”

“Before you go, I never asked. How did you escape the anthropomorphic squid during your battle above Mount Vesuvius?”

“It's a long story. But hey, all's well that end's well.”

“Hmmmm....” said Shakespeare.

And with a mighty gust of wind, Sparky and his couch were gone.

Arriving back at the hotel, we could see something was wrong.

“The T-Rex! It's waking up!”

“And it's got an awful headache!”

“Has Sparky come to save us?”

“No, I'm sorry,” I said “But Sparky's gone already.”

“What do we do?”

But we ran out of time. The T-Rex was awake, and looked mad.

Also, he had a bump on his head. No wonder they said his head must ache.

“Get the hound dog!” shouted Elvis, and he leaped at it. Everyone followed suit, jumping and otherwise assaulting it. “Now don't be cruel!” he ordered everyone.

Finally, after a great struggle, we had it tied down.

“There!” said Elvis, very happy with the way things turned out “Now if we just take care of it for a while, and feed it enough, soon it'll love us tender, and we can let it run free!”

“Where will we keep it though?” I asked “This hotel can barely hold all of us as it is!”

“How about the gym near the back? Nobody ever goes there.”

And so, after only two weeks and eleven tons of raw meat, we had a tame, pet Tyrannosaurus Rex, though we still haven't got a name for it.

Shakespeare and the Scotsman both wanted dropped off back where they'd come from. It took a little while, but eventually they were back to their respective homes. The Scotsman went on to finish his journey through Cevennes, and even wrote a book about it.

And so, even though our bizarre time traveling family continues to grow, we were lacking an English playwright and a Scottish vagabond.

And, once more, we were left wondering what had become of Sparky, and whether his struggle against the conjoined mutant bird twins was successful. Perhaps one of these days, when we see him again, we'll have him sit down on our porch and write down some of his own adventures.

Everybody Do the Hopscotch!

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(taken from part 3, the hit song by Captain Salamander and the Anthropomorphic Squid, "Everybody Do the Hopscotch!"

Science can be fun

But it gets repetitive

You lose your zeal for work

You lose all incentive

Gotta take a little break!

Or your work you will botch

Time for an awesome dance

Everybody do the hopscotch!

It's supposed to be a game

We know it's not a real dance

But you'd really like our version

If you give it half a chance

We made it even better

Kicked it up a notch!

It's a swingin' good time!

Everybody do the hopscotch!

Swing your leg to the saxophone

And jump to the accordion

Spin around to the ukulele

And feel your spirit freein'!

You'll want to join in

And not just sit and watch

Best thing since supercolliders!

Everybody do the hopscotch!

Amelia Earhart does it (woo-hooo)

And Doctor Forrester too (woo-hooo)

And Spartacus on his couch (woo-hooo)

Dancing to the 'woo-hooo' (woo-hooo)

James Brown wishes he did it

And so does ex-mayor Koch

The Jackson brothers fear it!

Everybody do the Hopscotch!

4. The Legend of Sparkicus

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Suddenly, an explosion!

Perhaps I should back up a bit. My friends and I, whom all now live in the time-traveling Grand-Imperial-Royal-Super-Duper-Accommodations-Suite-Hotel, have been doing our time-traveling for about five months now. In that time we've been to the Bermuda Triangle, been responsible for the disappearance of Amelia Earhart (she's fine), and accidentally let loose an elephant in an ancient Aztec city. But otherwise, we've been keeping out of trouble, and mostly restricting ourselves to observing famous historical events.

Except for that one time my cell phone went off, thus inspiring Beethoven to write “Fur Elise”. Oh come on, who hasn't had that as their ringtone at some point?

Anyway, my point is, we've mostly been staying out of trouble. Until, that is, our most recent adventure.

We had been enjoying the sights in New Zealand in 2034, when we realized time was running out. The hotel seems to stay in one place for about 22 hours, then jump to the next place (which is a nice change... when it first began it was impossible to predict when it would happen). After the hotel jumped, we ran to the lobby to see where we were, but all we saw was water.

“How can we be floating?” someone asked. “There's no land!”

Someone then looked out the back door. “We're not floating,” he said “But the ship we've landed on is!”

Some of us went outside to investigate (well, the brave ones of us anyway). We had indeed landed on a ship. A 19th Century whaling ship, more likely. Someone approached us and yelled “What are you doing on our ship?! Also.... how....?”

The whole crew gathered around and stared, gaping, at the hotel teetering precariously on the ship, stretching it's entire width.

“Oh that,” I said “Don't mind that. It'll be gone in a couple of hours.”

After a short while the crew managed to shake off their surprise at having a building as a stowaway, and agreed to not throw us off the ship on the grounds that we help out for a while. They were under-staffed, so we did what we could. Unfortunately, our assortment of scientists and former party-goers were not ideally suited to working on a 19th century sailboat.

However, when 22 hours was finally nearing, we made ready to depart. Before going, the captain approached and offered me a gift.

“A live squid?” I asked.

“Yes. I certainly don't want it.”

Back inside the hotel, as we were waiting for the time jump, Dr. Forrester approached me and said “You don't seem to want the squid. If so, could I have it? There's a project I've wanted to try for a while.”

“Knock yourself out” I replied.

He scurried off to a room on the fourth floor that he'd taken for use as a laboratory. I began to wonder if my decision had been a wise one, letting a mad scientist who dabbles in genetic engineering have my squid.

As the building began to shake for the imminent time jump, I heard an evil laugh coming from Forrester's room, followed by a very loud “OOPS!”

That was when I realized I'd DEFINITELY made a huge mistake.

The hotel re-materialized on land, which we were all happy about. It also seemed we'd picked up another passenger.

“Sparky?!” I exclaimed.

“Whoa... didn't figure I'd ever be seein' you again!” Sparky replied.

Sitting in the rec room, on his magnificent color-shifting Ikea couch, sat Spartacus.

“Wait a minute...” I asked “You remember me this time?”

“It's not that I didn't remember you last time” he said “It's just that I hadn't met you yet. Your mind is so linear.”

“Sorry, I'm just having difficulty with all the wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff. So we're both on the same time-stream now?”

“It would seem so. So where are we now?”

“Dunno,” I said “That's what I was about to check.”

Sparky and I walked to the lobby together, and gazed out.

Ancient Rome.

“Crud,” said Sparky “I think I may want to stay inside for this visit. A lot of people won't be too happy to see me here, I think.”

“You should at least take off the Roman soldier helmet” I said.

He was about to respond when we heard a giant roar, followed by Forrester running down the stairs screaming “Run for your lives! Fluffy the Destroyer has escaped!!”

Seconds later the walls burst behind him as an enormous squid came through.

“Forrester!” I yelled through the noise and debris “Is that the little squid I gave you a little bit ago?!”

“Yes! Now run!!”

Everyone stormed out of the hotel as we were pursued by this monster. Looking back occasionally, I saw the squid was not only much larger, but also somewhat anthropomorphic.

I was the last one out the building, and I locked the large doors behind me.

“That should keep him in for a little while!” I proudly said.

“It was just bursting through walls,” said Amelia Earhart “How are doors supposed to hold him back?”

“Nothing can get through doors,” I said “Don't you ever watch movies?”

“But the doors are entirely glass!” she said.

Women.

Just as I thought we were safe, a Roman legion approached.

“Sir, look!” one yelled “I think it's Spartacus!”

“It is!” proclaimed one, whom I assume was the leader. “Pursue!”

Fortunately they said all this in English, so we could understand. Thus, we turned and continued running further from the hotel.

We came to a hill, which we climbed. The further up we got, it seemed more like a mountain. We looked behind and saw the Roman soldiers now appeared to be trapped in a conflict with the squid, Fluffy the Destroyer.

As we got closer and closer to the top, it steadily got hotter. At the top, it dawned on us.

“This is Vesuvius...” whispered Sparky.

“WHAT?!” yelled someone at the back of the crowd.

“THIS IS VESUVIUS!!” Sparky yelled back.

“WHAT'S VESUVIUS?!”

“IT'S A VOLCANO!”

“Oh... that's not good, is it?”

“No,” I said “This must be Pompeii!”

It was utter silence for minutes. The temperature on the volcano continued to rise. Finally, Sparky said “I have an idea. But it won't be safe.”

“Anything” I said.

“I need to get back to my couch.”

Those same words have been spoken countless times by countless men, but never for the same reason, nor for as heroic a reason, as why Sparky said it.

He and I sneaked back to the hotel that night. Fluffy the Destroyer had broken out through the ceiling and was ransacking Pompeii, but we would still need to be very careful.

As we approached the front door, I pulled out my keys.

“Now which one was it...” I asked myself, flipping through the keys “This one's to my room, this one's to the kitchen, this one's to my Studebaker (which I left in Weasel Squash... one of these days I need to get back to it), this one's...”

Unfortunately, as I flipped through the keys, it made a bit of noise. Fluffy's heard turned.

“She sees us!” cried Sparky.

Fluffy the Destroyer roared, dropped the courthouse she was munching on, and charged for us.

“Here it is!!” I exclaimed, unlocked the doors, and we both jumped inside. We tried to close it, but Fluffy was just behind us, so we continued running into the lobby.

We ducked around a corner and jumped behind the receptions desk. Fluffy stormed through the room, searching for us.

“I saw my couch,” said Sparky “I can get to it. But I'll need a distraction.”

“Check. I think I can manage.”

“After I get it, I'll try to get Fluffy away from the hotel. The 22 hours are getting close, so I want you all to get in the hotel and leave, without me if need be.”

“But what if you need help?” I asked. “What if...”

“You heard me. Will you be able to get everyone back in if I draw away Fluffy?”

I thought. “Yes. I'll try.”

“Good. Now... are you ready?”

“Yes” I said “Here goes the distraction.”

I jumped out the side of the desk and waved my arms, screaming. Fluffy saw me immediately and attacked. Having successfully gotten her attention, I turned and ran. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sparky running to his couch.

I made it all the way to the indoor pool before Fluffy caught me. Two tentacles grabbed me at once, lifting me up. Her weird beak mouth opened, and I saw teeth inside. What did Forrester do to this thing?

I was sure my end was now. All seemed hopeless... until...

Sparky flew up on his couch. “Drop him, Fluffy!!”

She turned, saw him, and did indeed drop me. Sparky flew his couch up to the hole in the ceiling where Fluffy had escaped the previous time.

As soon as they'd both left, I ran out, back to where the rest of our friends were. Gathering them, we made it back to the hotel just as it began shaking, preparing for the next time jump.

I ran to the top floor and looked out, just in time to see Sparky and Fluffy fighting above Mount Vesuvius.

And then, the time jump.

I don't know how that battle ended. Legend has it on the day Vesuvius erupted, that a great battle took place atop the volcano between a man on a couch and a giant squid, and that both were consumed when it erupted. We later found a painting of it, which we bought and hung in the lobby. But I think somehow, Sparky survived. Maybe I'll never know.

Or maybe I will, depending on if people liked this account enough for me to write yet another follow up.

3. Return To Weasel Squash

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It had been a long time since I'd been to a wedding. To be honest, I'd kind of missed them.

Well, not the actual wedding. Those are usually pretty boring. I mean seriously, we all know how they go, and nobody is ever really surprised by the ending. We may have well spent two hours staring at the pavement. Just once I'd like to see someone jump up and yell “I object!!!” Has that ever really happened? What would happen if someone did do that? So many questions!

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. The point is, I don't much like weddings. What I like is the receptions afterward. THAT'S where the fun is. Free food, free drinks, loud music, usually some opportunities to dance in front of people you don't know, and will never see again.... ah, the life. It's very cathartic.

But this particular reception was different. VERY different. It was being held in the Grand-Imperial-Royal-Super-Duper-Accommodations-Suite-Hotel, just outside of a town called Weasel Squash, Texas (I'd been there once before, but that's another story). There were two large rec rooms, both booked for the night. One was the wedding, the other was a 'Mad Scientist' convention. They were warned to keep the mischief to a minimum. But alas, you know those mad scientists.

So anyhoo, I wandered into the Wedding Reception rec room, and saw the place was filled with candlelight, turquoise tablecloths, and flowers everywhere! Roses, Daisies, Fleur-de-lis, Carrion, and Ragweed.

Clearly, someone more sentimental than I was responsible for this.

The party lasted for quite a while, but began to drag on. The music selection ran it's course, so as the DJ scrambled to find more stuff to play, they had old NPR podcasts playing for background noise. I decided I'd had enough. I like NPR as much as the next guy, but I was here for a party, not Ira Flatow. If science was on the schedule for tonight, I figured I may as well find a way to REALLY enjoy it.

I hopped over to the 'Mad Scientists' convention.

I had arrived right in the middle of their 'Annual Nikola Tesla Award' ceremony.

“My new Burger grill will revolutionize the industry!” proclaimed the man on stage “Not only is it 'off-the-grid' as it were – it runs on earwax – it also fortifies the burgers with calcium!”

He wandered off stage slowly as another man took his place. “Have you ever desired to play the ukulele, but been hampered by a lack of skill?” He pulled out a ukulele covered in wires, attached to a keyboard “My new Auto-Uke will help! Simply press the corresponding buttons on this keyboard, and the uke will play itself!”

There was applause from the audience

“And for those ESPECIALLY music impaired, we've removed all keys from the keyboard except A through G!”

Further, louder applause.

I was getting a little disappointed by the lack of madness among these mad scientists, when finally a truly nutcase-looking man came on stage.

“My invention is an entirely different caliber of everything else here tonight!”

This was followed by some 'boos', and a few thrown slippers.

“Stop your sniveling. You just wait until you see this!”

He pressed his fingers against a screen on his device, leaving a thumb-print behind that the device scanned. Upon recognizing it's origin, the machine activated. It began to shake the whole room, scaring several of us witless.

“Hmm, it didn't do this last time,” said the scientist. “Nonetheless, this is the greatest machine ever built! Using this, you can actually watch history like it was television!”

Silence filled the room. Well, aside from the whole room-shaking-machine thing.

“That's correct! When dialed in correctly, this machine will allow you to watch historical events like they were a movie! In fact, it's entirely possible I may be able to make it display FUTURE events!”

One of the scientists in the room raised his hand. “You said, 'like a movie'. A Steven Spielberg movie, or a Michael Bay movie?”

“Steven Spielberg.”

The room erupted in applause.

“Unfortunately,” he continued “I haven't technically figured out how to dial it in to a certain time. It's kind of random right now. Watch.”

He hit a few buttons on his machine, and the screen came to life.

It displayed several men standing on an island, one holding coconuts. “Maybe if I use these coconuts, we can fabricate a....”

The screen switched off.

“Are there any questions?”

“Yeah,” said one scientist “How does it work?”

“It's very confusing. Mysterious. But it has an elaborate series of capacitors connected by rubber tubes....”

At that point, thunder rumbled in the distance.

Yes, I'm foreshadowing here! I know it's obvious, but I'm not exactly Jules Verne, okay?

Anyway, I guess some ragweed pollen had stuck to me from the reception hall, because the mad scientist on stage began to sniffle.

“Ah.... ah..... AHHHH.....!”

At the exact moment he sneezed, lightning came crashing down through the ceiling! The lightning struck his mysterious machine at the exact moment he sneezed on it.

(for those of you who are using this short story to study examples of bad writing, this plot device is sometimes called a Deus Ex Machina. Very serendipitous.)

I don't remember what happened next (see? More sloppy writing!) but when we came to, the machine had quieted down. However, there was a strange glow emanating from it. I ran out the door and down to the rec room where the reception was happening, and everyone seemed alright. Shaken, but fine. I ran to the front door, looked outside, and saw....

Horses?!

Yes, definitely horses. This was not the immediate vicinity of Weasel Squash, Texas. Judging from the streets, this looked more like 17th Century Paris, France!

Fortunately, I'm a scholar of 17th century Paris streets, and teacher of “Streets of 17th Century Paris 101” so I recognized it at once. I ran back inside to tell everyone what had happened, when one of the couches suddenly vanished in a great flash of light!

Then, seconds later (though surely hundreds of years in it's own time-stream) the couch re-appeared, floating in mid-air! With a man sitting on top of it! Wait, it was....

“I AM SPARTACUS!!” he yelled.

“Sparky?” I asked “Sparky, is that you?”

“What? How did you know my name? Who are you?” Then he spit a football mouth guard out at me.

The couch promptly vanished, taking him with it.

Then it all began to make sense. My strange experience in Weasel Squash months before. My past was his future! He hadn't yet met me! Thus, when I show up at Weasel Squash (in his time-stream) he recognizes me and realizes he must explain everything to me. Who he is, the secret of the couch, etc. It all made sense!

Okay, maybe it doesn't. But that doesn't matter. There's still more to the story.

I ran back into the mad scientists room and explained to them what had happened.

“So by that guy sneezing,” asked one of the men “At the same time the machine was struck by lightning, somehow turned it into a time machine?”

“What a Deus Ex Machina,” said another. “Ah, the serendipity!”

Then I explained to them about Sparky. “So if what he told me is correct,” I said “Then not only will it be a time machine, it'll be a random, uncontrollable time machine!!”

At that moment the building shook again, knocking over multiple food trays. “No,” I said “It's begun again!”

------Seven Days Later------

“It's a cross-breed,” one of the scientists explained to Amelia Earhart who was sitting next to him. He had a bizarre looking animal on the table between them “A cross-breed between a bunny and an insane frog. I call it a “Rabid Rabbit Ribbit.”

“How fascinating,” she said “This is way more interesting than flying around in that belligerent airplane. I'm so glad you all picked me up.”

Ever since we got Earhart two days ago, she had been fascinated by this guy's creations (Dr. Forrester, was it?) He had recently given up experiments in human psychology, and had now moved onto genetic engineering. He had plans for a squid/barnacle mix next.

Sometimes, getting to know people better was an experience.

The weirdest trip of all though was to the Bermuda Triangle. At first we didn't know where we were, we just knew there were hordes of Albatross pooping on the roof that we'd have to clean eventually. We made an inquiry as to who would like to capture them all and serve as the executor. No takers, so we decided to just live with it.

After all this we figured out we were in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. It seems all those weird happenstance there was our fault.

Sorry.

But anyway, back to Forrester and Earhart. As they were talking the band began to play. They had only been together for four days, so they were still out of practice. See, the inventor of the Auto-Uke found out one of the scientists there played accordion, and one from the wedding party played saxophone. Obviously, since the three-piece Ukulele/Sax/Accordion band has been a classic since Beethoven's time, they united to form a band. “Captain Salamander and the Anthropomorphic Couch” they called themselves, in honor of our dear departed phantom couch.

We learned shortly after their debut performance that scientists aren't the hippest of all musicians. For one thing, they are dance-impaired. The first song they wrote was “Everybody Do the Hopscotch”. Sadly, seeing as most the audience were likewise scientists, it went over great. They did it so much it wore the varnish through on the floor.

Today, however, they wrote a new song. “Fondle the Machine”.

I said “Isn't that supposed to be 'Rage Against the Machine'?”

“We're scientists. Why would we rage against machines?” was the response.

Moments later, Captain Salamander and the Anthropomorphic Couch began their song. Saxophone tootin', ukulele strumming, accordion..... uh, doing whatever accordions do.

Before they were done however, the building shook once more! We all ran outside to see where we were. It.... was.....

Weasel Squash? We were back where we'd started! “Okay everyone!” I yelled to the congregated throng crowded around the front door. “We're here! This is our chance to leave the endless void of time travel and go back to the real world!”

Everyone stood still.

“Why?” one asked “This is the single coolest thing that's happened to me! At least since I found that piece of toe lint shaped like George Clooney.”

“Yeah! I want to stay!”

Soon everyone was joining in the cry. It was settled then. The time-traveling Grand-Imperial-Royal-Super-Duper-Accommodations-Suite-Hotel was our new home.

“Oh no!” came a cry from outside, from a citizen of Weasel Squash “It's not just a couch! It's a whole building now! Get rid of it!”

The whole town began pelting us with bottles and random garbage from the street.

Then, with a shake of the building, it was gone. We were off on some new, strange adventure.

“Say,” asked one little boy “How have we been eating all this time? We're randomly traveling.... how have we not starved?”

“It's just a story,” I said “You should really just relax.”

2. The Secret of Weasel Squash

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Never before have I told anyone this story. I've finished telling you the first part of it all. Now I'm

gonna tell you the rest of it.

“Give me a break,” I said as we sat under a tree in the lavender fields outside town. (wait, what do

you mean you don't remember the lavender fields? Get with it people!) “You're just making this stuff

up!”

“Never have I told a lie,” he replied. “I may just be a wandering vagabond, but I've honor! You're not

gonna sit there and slander my and varnish my good name!” (I think he meant 'tarnish')

“Let me finish my story for you,” he said “I implore you. You must hear this.”

“You are one serious noodle-brain,” I said finally “But go ahead . And please calm

down. Don't blow a gasket or anything.”

“Never. Now! The story of............................ Weasel Squash!”

“Gonna cut to the chase here,” he said “I'd just finished eating a peanut butter and mango sandwich.

Run down the road, visit my orthodontist, get some work done. The office had a strange motif. All

around were trucks, train tracks, other fun things. He drilled in my tooth, right where some mango

or peanut butter remained, when off in the distance we saw an object. A spot in the clouds. The

desert seemed far away, like Nova Scotia or somethin', but the clouds came closer. So did the object.

You see where this is going?” he asked. I shook my head no.

“Never does anyone understand!” he cried.

“Gonna continue or what?” I asked him.

“Make a long story short, it entered the town. Weasel Squash.” Tendons stood out on his neck. “'Did

you ever see such a thing?' I asked the dentist. 'No I ain't' he said. A zephyr kept bringing it closer.”

Cry he did. I shuddered to think what was coming in this story.

Never had I seen someone so deeply affected by a memory. Did I dare hear the rest of this story? I was

gonna, it seemed.

“Say,” he perked up “Did I explain what a zephyr is?” “It's a west wind.” I replied.

Goodbye annoying grammar. It seemed this guy knew some English.

“Never before had I seen it,” he said, returning to his story “There was a smell like a rotting corpse.

Gonna try to forget that smell.... the tussie mussie flowers shriveled immediately. My sinuses hurt, I

tell ya! The house cleared out in seconds. David Jayne, my orthodontist, ran out too.

A minute later, I went to investigate. Everyone from the town flocked out to see it. Would I tell a

lie to you? I was about to be a hero. Kids offered me their piggy-banks in thanks for what I was doing.

And then... I saw it. It was an Ikea couch. Just floating above the grass. It had a doily on the armrest.

Hurt and damaged, it floated around, from another dimension it was! I sat on it like a rowboat, I tell

you! I wielded it like a tool, a wrench or hammer! Then I saw it was variegated! Changing colors!”

At this point I completely lost track of what he was talking about. “So you're saying this spot in the distance, making a terrible smell, and approaching town, was a couch floating along the fields, that proceeded to change colors and you rode it?”

“Bazinga!”

“How much caffeine have you had today?”

“I only drink it sparingly. Anyway, Weasel Squash disappeared around me, and suddenly we were in Pennsylvania! Seconds later, Ancient Rome! Riding my couch-from-another-dimension, I led Roman slaves in revolt!”

“Wait.... you're Spartacus?”

“Yup! M'names Sparky! Guess the Romans mispronounced it a bit. Eventually, the couch brought me back. Ever since then, the residents of Weasel Squash haven't trusted me. They've also been scared of any visitors coming into town. They think the visitor might be a descendant of my vanquished enemies coming for revenge!”

It was clear to me he was doing the vocal equivalent of doodling. Improvising. But part of me believed. This man with the mind of a turnip, strange as it seems, was convincing me his story was truth!

“Why me?” I asked “Out of everyone, why do you want to share this amazing tale with me?”

“Cause yer car was broken down. I was bored and wanted to talk to someone.”

“Oh. I was hoping for something more impressive and mysterious.”

“Sorry. I'm Spartacus, not Agatha Christie.”

Next morning I fixed my car, and rode out of Weasel Squash, never looking back. But sometimes, nearly at night, I look off into the sunset, and I can see a crazed looking man riding a floating Ikea couch, and I know it's him. Off to conquer the evil and free the oppressed. Look out your window sometime. Maybe you'll see him too....