4. The Legend of Sparkicus

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Suddenly, an explosion!

Perhaps I should back up a bit. My friends and I, whom all now live in the time-traveling Grand-Imperial-Royal-Super-Duper-Accommodations-Suite-Hotel, have been doing our time-traveling for about five months now. In that time we've been to the Bermuda Triangle, been responsible for the disappearance of Amelia Earhart (she's fine), and accidentally let loose an elephant in an ancient Aztec city. But otherwise, we've been keeping out of trouble, and mostly restricting ourselves to observing famous historical events.

Except for that one time my cell phone went off, thus inspiring Beethoven to write “Fur Elise”. Oh come on, who hasn't had that as their ringtone at some point?

Anyway, my point is, we've mostly been staying out of trouble. Until, that is, our most recent adventure.

We had been enjoying the sights in New Zealand in 2034, when we realized time was running out. The hotel seems to stay in one place for about 22 hours, then jump to the next place (which is a nice change... when it first began it was impossible to predict when it would happen). After the hotel jumped, we ran to the lobby to see where we were, but all we saw was water.

“How can we be floating?” someone asked. “There's no land!”

Someone then looked out the back door. “We're not floating,” he said “But the ship we've landed on is!”

Some of us went outside to investigate (well, the brave ones of us anyway). We had indeed landed on a ship. A 19th Century whaling ship, more likely. Someone approached us and yelled “What are you doing on our ship?! Also.... how....?”

The whole crew gathered around and stared, gaping, at the hotel teetering precariously on the ship, stretching it's entire width.

“Oh that,” I said “Don't mind that. It'll be gone in a couple of hours.”

After a short while the crew managed to shake off their surprise at having a building as a stowaway, and agreed to not throw us off the ship on the grounds that we help out for a while. They were under-staffed, so we did what we could. Unfortunately, our assortment of scientists and former party-goers were not ideally suited to working on a 19th century sailboat.

However, when 22 hours was finally nearing, we made ready to depart. Before going, the captain approached and offered me a gift.

“A live squid?” I asked.

“Yes. I certainly don't want it.”

Back inside the hotel, as we were waiting for the time jump, Dr. Forrester approached me and said “You don't seem to want the squid. If so, could I have it? There's a project I've wanted to try for a while.”

“Knock yourself out” I replied.

He scurried off to a room on the fourth floor that he'd taken for use as a laboratory. I began to wonder if my decision had been a wise one, letting a mad scientist who dabbles in genetic engineering have my squid.

As the building began to shake for the imminent time jump, I heard an evil laugh coming from Forrester's room, followed by a very loud “OOPS!”

That was when I realized I'd DEFINITELY made a huge mistake.

The hotel re-materialized on land, which we were all happy about. It also seemed we'd picked up another passenger.

“Sparky?!” I exclaimed.

“Whoa... didn't figure I'd ever be seein' you again!” Sparky replied.

Sitting in the rec room, on his magnificent color-shifting Ikea couch, sat Spartacus.

“Wait a minute...” I asked “You remember me this time?”

“It's not that I didn't remember you last time” he said “It's just that I hadn't met you yet. Your mind is so linear.”

“Sorry, I'm just having difficulty with all the wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff. So we're both on the same time-stream now?”

“It would seem so. So where are we now?”

“Dunno,” I said “That's what I was about to check.”

Sparky and I walked to the lobby together, and gazed out.

Ancient Rome.

“Crud,” said Sparky “I think I may want to stay inside for this visit. A lot of people won't be too happy to see me here, I think.”

“You should at least take off the Roman soldier helmet” I said.

He was about to respond when we heard a giant roar, followed by Forrester running down the stairs screaming “Run for your lives! Fluffy the Destroyer has escaped!!”

Seconds later the walls burst behind him as an enormous squid came through.

“Forrester!” I yelled through the noise and debris “Is that the little squid I gave you a little bit ago?!”

“Yes! Now run!!”

Everyone stormed out of the hotel as we were pursued by this monster. Looking back occasionally, I saw the squid was not only much larger, but also somewhat anthropomorphic.

I was the last one out the building, and I locked the large doors behind me.

“That should keep him in for a little while!” I proudly said.

“It was just bursting through walls,” said Amelia Earhart “How are doors supposed to hold him back?”

“Nothing can get through doors,” I said “Don't you ever watch movies?”

“But the doors are entirely glass!” she said.

Women.

Just as I thought we were safe, a Roman legion approached.

“Sir, look!” one yelled “I think it's Spartacus!”

“It is!” proclaimed one, whom I assume was the leader. “Pursue!”

Fortunately they said all this in English, so we could understand. Thus, we turned and continued running further from the hotel.

We came to a hill, which we climbed. The further up we got, it seemed more like a mountain. We looked behind and saw the Roman soldiers now appeared to be trapped in a conflict with the squid, Fluffy the Destroyer.

As we got closer and closer to the top, it steadily got hotter. At the top, it dawned on us.

“This is Vesuvius...” whispered Sparky.

“WHAT?!” yelled someone at the back of the crowd.

“THIS IS VESUVIUS!!” Sparky yelled back.

“WHAT'S VESUVIUS?!”

“IT'S A VOLCANO!”

“Oh... that's not good, is it?”

“No,” I said “This must be Pompeii!”

It was utter silence for minutes. The temperature on the volcano continued to rise. Finally, Sparky said “I have an idea. But it won't be safe.”

“Anything” I said.

“I need to get back to my couch.”

Those same words have been spoken countless times by countless men, but never for the same reason, nor for as heroic a reason, as why Sparky said it.

He and I sneaked back to the hotel that night. Fluffy the Destroyer had broken out through the ceiling and was ransacking Pompeii, but we would still need to be very careful.

As we approached the front door, I pulled out my keys.

“Now which one was it...” I asked myself, flipping through the keys “This one's to my room, this one's to the kitchen, this one's to my Studebaker (which I left in Weasel Squash... one of these days I need to get back to it), this one's...”

Unfortunately, as I flipped through the keys, it made a bit of noise. Fluffy's heard turned.

“She sees us!” cried Sparky.

Fluffy the Destroyer roared, dropped the courthouse she was munching on, and charged for us.

“Here it is!!” I exclaimed, unlocked the doors, and we both jumped inside. We tried to close it, but Fluffy was just behind us, so we continued running into the lobby.

We ducked around a corner and jumped behind the receptions desk. Fluffy stormed through the room, searching for us.

“I saw my couch,” said Sparky “I can get to it. But I'll need a distraction.”

“Check. I think I can manage.”

“After I get it, I'll try to get Fluffy away from the hotel. The 22 hours are getting close, so I want you all to get in the hotel and leave, without me if need be.”

“But what if you need help?” I asked. “What if...”

“You heard me. Will you be able to get everyone back in if I draw away Fluffy?”

I thought. “Yes. I'll try.”

“Good. Now... are you ready?”

“Yes” I said “Here goes the distraction.”

I jumped out the side of the desk and waved my arms, screaming. Fluffy saw me immediately and attacked. Having successfully gotten her attention, I turned and ran. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sparky running to his couch.

I made it all the way to the indoor pool before Fluffy caught me. Two tentacles grabbed me at once, lifting me up. Her weird beak mouth opened, and I saw teeth inside. What did Forrester do to this thing?

I was sure my end was now. All seemed hopeless... until...

Sparky flew up on his couch. “Drop him, Fluffy!!”

She turned, saw him, and did indeed drop me. Sparky flew his couch up to the hole in the ceiling where Fluffy had escaped the previous time.

As soon as they'd both left, I ran out, back to where the rest of our friends were. Gathering them, we made it back to the hotel just as it began shaking, preparing for the next time jump.

I ran to the top floor and looked out, just in time to see Sparky and Fluffy fighting above Mount Vesuvius.

And then, the time jump.

I don't know how that battle ended. Legend has it on the day Vesuvius erupted, that a great battle took place atop the volcano between a man on a couch and a giant squid, and that both were consumed when it erupted. We later found a painting of it, which we bought and hung in the lobby. But I think somehow, Sparky survived. Maybe I'll never know.

Or maybe I will, depending on if people liked this account enough for me to write yet another follow up.