5. Dinosaurs In the Lobby

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Time travel is so much fun.

Time travel with scientists, not so much. We had recently dubbed the actions of our time jumping hotel as a Sonic Warp, just to give it a name. As in “Here comes the sonic warp!”

“Nuh-uh!” yell the scientists “It's technically a temporal-spacial displacement!”

“But... but...” we say “It warps....and there's kind of a buzzing sound, so sonic!”

“That buzzing sound is bombilation! And it's not a sonic warp AT ALL!”

Some people just want to take all the fun out of EVERYTHING!

As usual, it was an argument between Doctor Forrester and Elvis. We had picked him up around August 1977. He was bored with his career and wanted to try something new. But when we jumped ahead to 2006, we learned some people had tried to cover up his disappearance by claiming he'd died!

Some people. Sheesh.

But despite the incoherent argument between Elvis and Forrester, the sonic warp went ahead just fine. Until we ran to the lobby to see where we were.

“How is this....” said Forrester

“But, how could we...” said Amelia Earhart

“This has got me all shook up...” said Elvis

Outside we saw...

….Dinosaurs!

“This could be bad.” said Forrester

The lobby erupted into screaming, panicking, etc. “Everyone, please calm down!” I shouted “If we just stay inside, maybe we can....”

I didn't get any further before the Tyrannosaurus Rex's face burst through the lobby windows.

“Forget it! RUN!” I screamed.

We ran in every direction, trying to escape the beast. I tracked down Forrester in the panic and yelled “Find a way to get this hotel to jump again!”

“How? The hotel jumps randomly every 22 hours!”

“I don't know! You're the scientist! The burden is all yours!”

The T-Rex finally broke it's way through the walls and into the lobby.

We jumped into a broom closet and slammed the door behind us. Hopefully the T-Rex didn't see.

“Even if I can find a way,” replied Forrester “Which has infinitesimal chances of success, where will we go?”

“I don't really think it matters at this point!” I said “If we jump now we have one dinosaur to deal with. If we stay for another 20-some hours, how many more will we have to deal with?”

“You have a point.” We heard, off in the distance, more walls coming down. “But can we make the jump with a huge hole in the wall?”

“Remember a while ago when that giant anthropomorphic squid took out the ceiling?”

“Oh yeah. That was a weird day.”

“We made the jump just fine. So let's try for it again.”

Forrester threw the door open and charged out. Where he ran to, I don't know. But about five minutes later, the hotel jumped.

And jumped.

And jumped.

The shaking was endless. What the T-Rex hadn't destroyed was being done in by the constant sonic warps.

A whole bunch of sonic warps.

“Everything is collapsing!” shouted someone.

“An elevator fell of the T-Rex's head! He seems to be passed out for now!”

A sigh of relief went around the room.

“The toilet's are all clogged!”

“NOOOOOOO!!”

The jumping finally ceased. Forrester came back downstairs into the rec room.

“What happened up there?” I asked.

“Well, the machine went into uncontrollable overdrive, which would be a good name for a rock band. We hopped around to a lot of different places and times. Also, we, ummm... seemed to have picked up a few hitchhikers by mistake.”

A man in weird garb walked up behind him.

“Is this one of them?” I asked.

“Yes.” He sighed and said “Meet William Shakespeare.”

“Thou sir,” Bill said, pointing to me “Are a sciapodous nelipot!”

“Uh, what did he say?” I asked.

“He says you have big ugly feet,” Forrester replied “And you should put some shoes on.”

Among our other new passengers was a very confused looking Scotsman, and his donkey who was carrying his luggage in a carpet-bag. “I was traveling with my donkey in the Cevennes... and now I'm here! What happened?”

“This charlatan hath taken us from whence we came!” Shakespeare said, as he waddled his finger at me.

“Keep your judgmental phalanges to yourself,” I said “Which by the way would be an excellent name for a rock band.”

“Hmmph!” he replied.

“Easy there, Shakey,” Elvis said to him “This can seem like a heartbreak hotel, but it's pretty cool once you get used to it.”

I'd had enough of Shakespeare. As everyone else tended to the frightened newcomers, I checked outside to see where we'd wound up.

“Oh no, not again.”

I ran back inside. “Rome!”

“What's wrong with that?” Elvis asked

“We've had some rough dealings with them before,” I said “Last time they nearly invaded the hotel!”

“Oh no! Can't we just get ourselves returned to sender?”

“Nope. We're stuck here for the next 21 and a half hours. Unless Forrester wants to give another go at piloting this thing.”

“Not a chance!” he said “I'm not even sure if this thing will do another temporal-spatial displacement after what we just put it through!”

“Great. Trapped in the heart of the Roman Empire, a sleeping T-Rex in the elevator shaft, and to top it all off a grumpy Shakespeare in the rec room!”

I was just going to have the doors barred up and tell everyone to hide in their rooms until we jumped, but I heard a noise that I couldn't ignore. It sounded like a great throng of people cheering. So finally, my curiosity got the better of me. I put on my Roman disguise (you don't travel as much as we do without building up and impressive collection of outfits to blend in with) and marched outside. It was always fun putting on a little charade, but this time it turned out serious. The crowd was gathered at the Roman Coliseum. I managed to work my way inside, only to see...

Sparky.

Down below, surrounded by Praetorian guards, he was bound in chains. Up above sat the Emperor, with the variegated couch beside him.

“Tell me how to pilot this crafty couch,” he proclaimed “Or we will release the lions!”

Suddenly my agenda changed. No more thoughts of sealing up the hotel and waiting this out. I ran back to the hotel.

“Sparky's in danger!”

“What?!” asked Earhart “How is he still alive after that breathtaking battle with the giant anthropomorphic squid, which by the way would be an amazing album cover?”

“I don't know how, but we need to rescue him!” I said.

“I'll get my blue suede shoes on.” said Elvis.

“Good idea, but I think we'll need a better plan.”

“We can set the T-Rex on them!” someone suggested.

“We could, but the last time we released a giant unspeakably horrible monster on a Roman city, it ended in Sparky risking his life to save us.”
“That's true. Plus, I'd hate to get a reputation for releasing giant unspeakably horrible monsters on Roman cities.”

“I hath devised a plan,” stated Shakespeare, rising from his seat “Let me go speaketh with the Emperor.”

We didn't ask what he planned to do, but he had such a determined look that we realized it was useless to try to dissuade him.

“Take this,” said Forrester “And use it to protect him should you run into trouble.”

“A spork?”

“Yeah. Sorry, all the knives are dirty.”

We marched briskly as possible to the Coliseum. The Emperor was still pontificating.

“STOP!” proclaimed Shakespeare “Thy considereth this amusement?! Well, we are not amused. THIS is entertainment!!”

He pulled a book out from his coat, and before I could stop him he began to read.

“Now, fair Hippolyta...”

I noticed strange stares from all around the coliseum. I tried again to stop him, but he continued.
“...draws on apace; four happy days bring in; another moon... but O, methinks, how slow...”

I noticed now the reaction. People began nodding off! I too, noticed things beginning to... darken...

I was jolted from my sleep.

“NAY, FAITH! Let me not play a woman! I have a beard coming on....”

“Okay, Shakey! You can stop!” I said. “They're all asleep now!”

“What? Asleep?! Everyone's a critic.”

We ran down to the ground level and shook Sparky out of his slumber.

“Wha...? Oh, Frankie! Good to see you! Man, I had the worst dream... I was trapped in the Coliseum, then this terrible voice came out of nowhere. It droned on and ON and ON....”

“No time for that. Get up!”

As we stood, we heard a roar. Looking to our left, we saw a lion. Staring at us.

“A lion?” said Shakespeare. He looked through the audience. “Among ladies? A most dreadful thing!”

The lion charged. We ran.

We got out of the Coliseum just in time, and slammed the door behind us, trapping the lion inside. Everyone in the audience was still soundly asleep. “What was that story about?” I asked him “It just seemed like much ado about nothing.”

He was silent for a moment. “Hmmm....”

Sparky snapped his fingers and his couch flew over to him. “Thanks for the rescue guys. I'd love to stay and travel with you, but I've got some pressing appointments.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah. My uncle sent me a note about some conjoined mutant bird twins attacking ancient Greece, so I thought I should go see if I can help out.”

“And do what? Build some giant birdfeeder? Fill it with raspberries laced with sleeping pills?”

“How did you know what my plans were?!”

“How else do you fight conjoined mutant bird twins?”

“Good point. Also, that would also be a good name for a rock band.”

“Before you go, I never asked. How did you escape the anthropomorphic squid during your battle above Mount Vesuvius?”

“It's a long story. But hey, all's well that end's well.”

“Hmmmm....” said Shakespeare.

And with a mighty gust of wind, Sparky and his couch were gone.

Arriving back at the hotel, we could see something was wrong.

“The T-Rex! It's waking up!”

“And it's got an awful headache!”

“Has Sparky come to save us?”

“No, I'm sorry,” I said “But Sparky's gone already.”

“What do we do?”

But we ran out of time. The T-Rex was awake, and looked mad.

Also, he had a bump on his head. No wonder they said his head must ache.

“Get the hound dog!” shouted Elvis, and he leaped at it. Everyone followed suit, jumping and otherwise assaulting it. “Now don't be cruel!” he ordered everyone.

Finally, after a great struggle, we had it tied down.

“There!” said Elvis, very happy with the way things turned out “Now if we just take care of it for a while, and feed it enough, soon it'll love us tender, and we can let it run free!”

“Where will we keep it though?” I asked “This hotel can barely hold all of us as it is!”

“How about the gym near the back? Nobody ever goes there.”

And so, after only two weeks and eleven tons of raw meat, we had a tame, pet Tyrannosaurus Rex, though we still haven't got a name for it.

Shakespeare and the Scotsman both wanted dropped off back where they'd come from. It took a little while, but eventually they were back to their respective homes. The Scotsman went on to finish his journey through Cevennes, and even wrote a book about it.

And so, even though our bizarre time traveling family continues to grow, we were lacking an English playwright and a Scottish vagabond.

And, once more, we were left wondering what had become of Sparky, and whether his struggle against the conjoined mutant bird twins was successful. Perhaps one of these days, when we see him again, we'll have him sit down on our porch and write down some of his own adventures.