3. Return To Weasel Squash

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It had been a long time since I'd been to a wedding. To be honest, I'd kind of missed them.

Well, not the actual wedding. Those are usually pretty boring. I mean seriously, we all know how they go, and nobody is ever really surprised by the ending. We may have well spent two hours staring at the pavement. Just once I'd like to see someone jump up and yell “I object!!!” Has that ever really happened? What would happen if someone did do that? So many questions!

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. The point is, I don't much like weddings. What I like is the receptions afterward. THAT'S where the fun is. Free food, free drinks, loud music, usually some opportunities to dance in front of people you don't know, and will never see again.... ah, the life. It's very cathartic.

But this particular reception was different. VERY different. It was being held in the Grand-Imperial-Royal-Super-Duper-Accommodations-Suite-Hotel, just outside of a town called Weasel Squash, Texas (I'd been there once before, but that's another story). There were two large rec rooms, both booked for the night. One was the wedding, the other was a 'Mad Scientist' convention. They were warned to keep the mischief to a minimum. But alas, you know those mad scientists.

So anyhoo, I wandered into the Wedding Reception rec room, and saw the place was filled with candlelight, turquoise tablecloths, and flowers everywhere! Roses, Daisies, Fleur-de-lis, Carrion, and Ragweed.

Clearly, someone more sentimental than I was responsible for this.

The party lasted for quite a while, but began to drag on. The music selection ran it's course, so as the DJ scrambled to find more stuff to play, they had old NPR podcasts playing for background noise. I decided I'd had enough. I like NPR as much as the next guy, but I was here for a party, not Ira Flatow. If science was on the schedule for tonight, I figured I may as well find a way to REALLY enjoy it.

I hopped over to the 'Mad Scientists' convention.

I had arrived right in the middle of their 'Annual Nikola Tesla Award' ceremony.

“My new Burger grill will revolutionize the industry!” proclaimed the man on stage “Not only is it 'off-the-grid' as it were – it runs on earwax – it also fortifies the burgers with calcium!”

He wandered off stage slowly as another man took his place. “Have you ever desired to play the ukulele, but been hampered by a lack of skill?” He pulled out a ukulele covered in wires, attached to a keyboard “My new Auto-Uke will help! Simply press the corresponding buttons on this keyboard, and the uke will play itself!”

There was applause from the audience

“And for those ESPECIALLY music impaired, we've removed all keys from the keyboard except A through G!”

Further, louder applause.

I was getting a little disappointed by the lack of madness among these mad scientists, when finally a truly nutcase-looking man came on stage.

“My invention is an entirely different caliber of everything else here tonight!”

This was followed by some 'boos', and a few thrown slippers.

“Stop your sniveling. You just wait until you see this!”

He pressed his fingers against a screen on his device, leaving a thumb-print behind that the device scanned. Upon recognizing it's origin, the machine activated. It began to shake the whole room, scaring several of us witless.

“Hmm, it didn't do this last time,” said the scientist. “Nonetheless, this is the greatest machine ever built! Using this, you can actually watch history like it was television!”

Silence filled the room. Well, aside from the whole room-shaking-machine thing.

“That's correct! When dialed in correctly, this machine will allow you to watch historical events like they were a movie! In fact, it's entirely possible I may be able to make it display FUTURE events!”

One of the scientists in the room raised his hand. “You said, 'like a movie'. A Steven Spielberg movie, or a Michael Bay movie?”

“Steven Spielberg.”

The room erupted in applause.

“Unfortunately,” he continued “I haven't technically figured out how to dial it in to a certain time. It's kind of random right now. Watch.”

He hit a few buttons on his machine, and the screen came to life.

It displayed several men standing on an island, one holding coconuts. “Maybe if I use these coconuts, we can fabricate a....”

The screen switched off.

“Are there any questions?”

“Yeah,” said one scientist “How does it work?”

“It's very confusing. Mysterious. But it has an elaborate series of capacitors connected by rubber tubes....”

At that point, thunder rumbled in the distance.

Yes, I'm foreshadowing here! I know it's obvious, but I'm not exactly Jules Verne, okay?

Anyway, I guess some ragweed pollen had stuck to me from the reception hall, because the mad scientist on stage began to sniffle.

“Ah.... ah..... AHHHH.....!”

At the exact moment he sneezed, lightning came crashing down through the ceiling! The lightning struck his mysterious machine at the exact moment he sneezed on it.

(for those of you who are using this short story to study examples of bad writing, this plot device is sometimes called a Deus Ex Machina. Very serendipitous.)

I don't remember what happened next (see? More sloppy writing!) but when we came to, the machine had quieted down. However, there was a strange glow emanating from it. I ran out the door and down to the rec room where the reception was happening, and everyone seemed alright. Shaken, but fine. I ran to the front door, looked outside, and saw....

Horses?!

Yes, definitely horses. This was not the immediate vicinity of Weasel Squash, Texas. Judging from the streets, this looked more like 17th Century Paris, France!

Fortunately, I'm a scholar of 17th century Paris streets, and teacher of “Streets of 17th Century Paris 101” so I recognized it at once. I ran back inside to tell everyone what had happened, when one of the couches suddenly vanished in a great flash of light!

Then, seconds later (though surely hundreds of years in it's own time-stream) the couch re-appeared, floating in mid-air! With a man sitting on top of it! Wait, it was....

“I AM SPARTACUS!!” he yelled.

“Sparky?” I asked “Sparky, is that you?”

“What? How did you know my name? Who are you?” Then he spit a football mouth guard out at me.

The couch promptly vanished, taking him with it.

Then it all began to make sense. My strange experience in Weasel Squash months before. My past was his future! He hadn't yet met me! Thus, when I show up at Weasel Squash (in his time-stream) he recognizes me and realizes he must explain everything to me. Who he is, the secret of the couch, etc. It all made sense!

Okay, maybe it doesn't. But that doesn't matter. There's still more to the story.

I ran back into the mad scientists room and explained to them what had happened.

“So by that guy sneezing,” asked one of the men “At the same time the machine was struck by lightning, somehow turned it into a time machine?”

“What a Deus Ex Machina,” said another. “Ah, the serendipity!”

Then I explained to them about Sparky. “So if what he told me is correct,” I said “Then not only will it be a time machine, it'll be a random, uncontrollable time machine!!”

At that moment the building shook again, knocking over multiple food trays. “No,” I said “It's begun again!”

------Seven Days Later------

“It's a cross-breed,” one of the scientists explained to Amelia Earhart who was sitting next to him. He had a bizarre looking animal on the table between them “A cross-breed between a bunny and an insane frog. I call it a “Rabid Rabbit Ribbit.”

“How fascinating,” she said “This is way more interesting than flying around in that belligerent airplane. I'm so glad you all picked me up.”

Ever since we got Earhart two days ago, she had been fascinated by this guy's creations (Dr. Forrester, was it?) He had recently given up experiments in human psychology, and had now moved onto genetic engineering. He had plans for a squid/barnacle mix next.

Sometimes, getting to know people better was an experience.

The weirdest trip of all though was to the Bermuda Triangle. At first we didn't know where we were, we just knew there were hordes of Albatross pooping on the roof that we'd have to clean eventually. We made an inquiry as to who would like to capture them all and serve as the executor. No takers, so we decided to just live with it.

After all this we figured out we were in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. It seems all those weird happenstance there was our fault.

Sorry.

But anyway, back to Forrester and Earhart. As they were talking the band began to play. They had only been together for four days, so they were still out of practice. See, the inventor of the Auto-Uke found out one of the scientists there played accordion, and one from the wedding party played saxophone. Obviously, since the three-piece Ukulele/Sax/Accordion band has been a classic since Beethoven's time, they united to form a band. “Captain Salamander and the Anthropomorphic Couch” they called themselves, in honor of our dear departed phantom couch.

We learned shortly after their debut performance that scientists aren't the hippest of all musicians. For one thing, they are dance-impaired. The first song they wrote was “Everybody Do the Hopscotch”. Sadly, seeing as most the audience were likewise scientists, it went over great. They did it so much it wore the varnish through on the floor.

Today, however, they wrote a new song. “Fondle the Machine”.

I said “Isn't that supposed to be 'Rage Against the Machine'?”

“We're scientists. Why would we rage against machines?” was the response.

Moments later, Captain Salamander and the Anthropomorphic Couch began their song. Saxophone tootin', ukulele strumming, accordion..... uh, doing whatever accordions do.

Before they were done however, the building shook once more! We all ran outside to see where we were. It.... was.....

Weasel Squash? We were back where we'd started! “Okay everyone!” I yelled to the congregated throng crowded around the front door. “We're here! This is our chance to leave the endless void of time travel and go back to the real world!”

Everyone stood still.

“Why?” one asked “This is the single coolest thing that's happened to me! At least since I found that piece of toe lint shaped like George Clooney.”

“Yeah! I want to stay!”

Soon everyone was joining in the cry. It was settled then. The time-traveling Grand-Imperial-Royal-Super-Duper-Accommodations-Suite-Hotel was our new home.

“Oh no!” came a cry from outside, from a citizen of Weasel Squash “It's not just a couch! It's a whole building now! Get rid of it!”

The whole town began pelting us with bottles and random garbage from the street.

Then, with a shake of the building, it was gone. We were off on some new, strange adventure.

“Say,” asked one little boy “How have we been eating all this time? We're randomly traveling.... how have we not starved?”

“It's just a story,” I said “You should really just relax.”